9:10pm - Alot of stuff happened between the last time I updated but at the same time not much at all if I'm honest.
I was struggling very badly with my online classes, I had to retake English 2 because I somehow chose the wrong professor on while signing up for classes even though I was sure I selected someone else initally and due to my commitments to my major and the unorthodox due dates I just took the L. I didn't feel like I was learning anything and english is a very important subject for me, I'm always interested in improving my writing skills.
What gave me the most issues was my intro to anthropology class. It wasn't the subject itself, but I had one of those professors who couldn't teach well online to save his fucking life. He also happened to suddenly drop a plethra of new assignments INCLUDING a final exam that was not originally on the syllabus while we were half way done with the damn class. He didn't send an email either, I only found out because I happened to check my grade the next day and saw that my 90% was suddenly a 70% which was total ass.
And I knew I wasn't crazy either because I happened to have printed out the grade book of both classes at the beginning of the summer semester so I could remember the due dates. So I while I was trying to juggle writing an essay for The Picture of Dorian Gray, I was also trying to juggle these new assignments and I'm genuinely shocked that I even passed frfr.
English 2 wasn't so bad, but I never actually finished the book, I just didn't vibe with it like that, so I didn't read the last few chapters, BUT I did get 100% on my final so I definitely did something right, (I also may have written one of my assignments relating the morality portrayed in Dorian Gray to Anakin Skywalker in one of my assignments and got an A for that too sooooooo).
I also have been watching videos about how striving for perfection can fuck up your life and stop you from doing the things you truly wanna do, which is what inspired me to update today, I specifically liked these two, "only you can make your art your own" and "start even if you don't know how." They were both very simple videos, but it was something that I really needed to hear.
I also did some stuff with some friends today such as going out to see a alternative event that was happening nearby, they had a bunch of bones, taxidermy, fashion and bunch of other cool stuff. Which was nice considering I'm starting my fall semester tmmrw (Apparently I'm starting school earlier than the rest of my friends cause we don't go to the same college lmao). Overall though I give my summer a 6/10 it wasn't great but could've been ALOT worse, especially considering my mental health took a huge dive too.
3:21pm - I hate everything right now, I don't feel good these days and my mind is at a cosntant war with itself. I feel so empty and so much pain at the same time that I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in this stupid apartment and I can't seem to get anything fucking done.
I've tried talking to my mom about this, but she treats my mental health issues, INCLUDING MY FUCKING EATING DISORDER as some sort of attack on her character as a person. I already knew she was a shitty mother, but this isn't helping. I still remember when I said that I wanted to kill myself and asked why don't I in a pissed off tone, as if me trying to tell her how I'm feeling is a burden, like my entire existence is a burden. And she also threatened to lock me up in a mental hospital more than fucking once. She doesn't see as anything as an extension of herself. And when I try to do shit to take care of myself, she tells me that I'm being selfish for "only taking care of myself".
I need to get out of this hell hole, but idk how, rent is way too high and I make no where near enough to even think to substain myself on my own. And because of my issues I don't even want to live with someone else right now. I'm thinking about living in an RV but I can't figure out all the luigistics at the moment.
10:48pm - I’ve been avoiding writing in my diary. After my last entry I’ve been scared to dig deeper into what had happened to me and I didn’t know how to fix it. Neocities says it’s been two months but it doesn’t FEEL like its been two months.
I’d lay in bed and I’d see him.
He’d be touching me and deep down I know I don’t want this, but I didn’t know how to say no. It wasn’t until I had that talk with my mom, him assuming that I loved him, etc etc. That made me realize that I wasn’t happy.
My mental health has always been bad I think, especially since I’ve lived my whole life as a highly masked autistic individual. But this older man kept breaking me down with little things, never fully committing to me, but never fully pushing me away. Using me when he knew that he’d never feel that way about me, knowing that he tricked someone who was fresh out of high school into his bedroom under the pretense of hanging out and spending time when it was just sexual manipulation.
Some days I can’t help but hate myself. I hate my hair and how short it is, but I also hated how long it used to be. I think I really just hate my hair texture. My mom never taught me how to take care of my coily hair and she always treated it as if it was unbearable and needed to be tamed since I was small. I always wanted to hide it away and I feel like this man made this insecurity worse because he like many other men I’ve come across wanted me for my body, not for my heart or stories and I hate it.
I’m still stuck in the same old fucking 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and brother. My dog Bailey barks too loud sometimes, its overstimulating and more and more often these days I can’t bring myself to walk her. Going outside makes me uncomfortable and I hate feeling eyes on me when Im under dressed.
My job isn’t as great as I thought it would be, they hired 3 of us but I don’t think they needed 3 new employees especially since we work at a semi dead mall. The manager gets exactly 40 hours a week, the 2 assistant managers get from 20 to 28 hours a week, but me and the other 2 sales associates that were hired get only 3 hours a week for ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR. And sometimes we’re not even put on the damn schedule either and we’re paid every 2 weeks too, and I did research my job, and 3 hours is the MINIMUM, they can schedule us for more. And these past few weeks I’ve stopped dressing up at work and I noticed that way people react to me is different. I’d be dressed down in the same way everyone else would be, but my loyalty is still shit. And now I can’t help but be even more self conscious because I think the fact that I’m the only visible dark skinned black afab working, my short 4c hair and the fact I’m always masked plays a part in it. I won’t say where I work, but I’ve been shopping there since middle school and I’ve NEVER seen a black person working there, and there are apparently loyal customers that are known racists too which is fucked up. The only time my loyalty was good was when I wore pretty clothes and when I wore a wig. I’ve been doing door dash with my uncle to make up the money since I don’t got a car at the moment, but because of his own bills he’s putting pause on us splitting that so I’m on my own again atm.
What makes me also mad is that I haven’t been able to wash my clothes, I bought a portable washer but it’s too heavy for me to casually move because I wanted it to be big enough to wash towels and throw blankets. There’s no space in the bathroom and my mom didn’t want it in the kitchen. So it’s currently stuck in the hallway, and like I have to use buckets to fill it but the system isn’t sustainable for me because of my current issues which includes fatigue so I bought a hose to fill it up to lessen heavy lifting, but the sink hose adapter hasn’t arrived yet and now I’m just frantic because I want to clean my space but my brain is working against me.
There’s also a musical I want to audition for but my mental health is fucking me over, my college classes are fucking me over too but I am so close to finishing if I can hold out till August I’ll be golden.
On a brighter note I recently bought a vintage singer sewing machine. It was built in 1941 and while it gave me some grief with some issues it was giving me, through the power of google I was able to fix it right up is awesome. I tested it out on some fabric.
10:17am - It's been a bit since my last update but I needed time to collect my thoughts I guess, so much stuff has already happened this month and a large chunk of it is bad. Like BAD bad. So like warning for incoming vent
So like in my last update I said and I quote, "flirted with my sort-of boyfriend but not yet which I'm going to see again on Monday, which is a huge positive for me right now." I ended up ending whatever dumbfuck relationship we had as soon as I got home, I'm not going to deep dive into the whole thing, but I told my mom that morning about him and she tried to stop me from leaving to see him because he wasn't my boyfriend and she ended up trauma dumping onto me about my dad "stealthing" (aka SA) the first time they did the deed which is actually the reason my older brother exists which was a fucking lot.
And I hate to admit it but she was right.
I'm not going into details about it, but he told me I could take a nap on his bed when I visit him at his place and I took his word for it because I'm fucking autistic and I didm't want believe he could be lying to me despite the evidence in my brain saying like other wise.
So I went...
And things turned sexual even though I didn't want it to, I just wanted to hang out and complain about my mom and my life, but as he was all up in my space kissing me I kept thinking about what my mom said, and I basically started to reassess my situation and I didn't realize it before but subconsciously I knew I wasn't in a completely safe situation.
When I told him about what my mom said the air turned tense and weird, which was weird because I've vented about my mom to him before and he never gave me this reaction. Now that I cut contact with him I realized it was BECAUSE I was talking about how my mom was scared of him taking advantage of me.
And after that moment I was like I don't feel safe, and I knew he was the source of it. What hurts the most is that I vented to him about cishet guys flirting with me just to use me for my body, and he ended doing the same thing. Like I'm grateful we never went all the way, but I am now in a period where I actually look back on the feelings I've been ignoring about him, and how my own pleasure never seemed to be top priority, only his own.
From the very beginning it was imbalanced. I am 19 currently and he is 22, and I thought because I already graduated highschool, a three year age difference wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I was wrong. And he used everything he knew from first glance about me, to what I told him against me. From the fact I haven’t been in an actual relationship before and that I’m new to this, and that I try to find the best in people etc etc.
And he would pressure and corner me into doing things I knew I didn’t want to do, but I ignored it because I don’t know what people do in romantic relationships, or what’s toxic, if I knew then I wouldn’t have entered this fucking shit with him because clearly he never intended it to be romantic at all. He lied to me saying how I deserved to be loved, and saying how he’s waiting to make things official so he wouldn’t hurt me due to past relationships, it was all such bullshit. I should’ve left when he suggested we do an onlyfans, that was the only time I actually put my foot down and he was weird about it after. I fucking hate him so much, he’s a fucking piece of shit and I actually hopes he rots now, because there’s MORE but this is also the fucking internet so.
On a more positive note.
I went to a youth pride prom with some friends and it was fucking awesome. There were supposed to be drag performers but the governor of my state is terrible and is trying to get rid of them, so me and a friend and some other cool people had to perform in their place which was also fun. Whoever made the playlist tho needs to be on the chopping block because according to said friend that was not the playlist that was put together by the pride committee they were on. 😔
And my job is going great so far, I’m not being scheduled super often yet but it’s fine. I was finally at the register yesterday and I was shaking in my boots because I am expected to sell to them while they're at the register too so it was really nerve wracking, but I know I’ll get the hang of it.
Anyways here’s a picture of my dog to brighten up the mood
10:36pm - It's been awhile since I've last update this diary thingy i got going on with this website of mine, to be honest for the past few weeks I've been distracted. The apartment I was trying to get with my uncle turned out to be a bust, I feel like I underestimated the amount of people that would flood in as soon as applications opened and now I'm stressed out about finding somewhere affordable so I can finally get out of this goddamn apartment which I've lived in with my brother and mom since like 2014 I believe. It wouldn't be so bad if I had a better relationship with my family, had my own room and didn't basically have a BUNCH of unwanted, tiny, disgusting roommates. This apartment is INFESTED with roaches and my mom blames me and my brother but like she never listens to me when I try to tell her how its linked to my bad mental health, how this has been an ongoing issue since I was a fucking child and how her belittling me constantly and not teaching me how to clean led to this, but no its all my fault. I'm fucking 19. Anyways earlier today I started which is techincally my 2nd day at my new job at the mall, basically I had to finish the rest of my onboarding in person and my new manager didnt tell me I still needed my SSN card so I literally had to bike my ass back home and then back to the mall meaning I basically biked a little over 30 minutes back to back around 9am. AND THEN after I filled out that information I was handed this thick stack of papers that I had to read through that my manager forgot to tell me that I was supposed to sign after I finished reading said section (not to mention that half the information was outdated and that there was also a worksheet), but overall I thought it was fine I just wish I didn't get so stressed out early in the morning. And I also played fortnite today with some friends and flirted with my sort-of boyfriend but not yet which I'm going to see again on Monday, which is a huge positive for me right now. All I need is a new apartment and a good college experience and then I'll be set for like the inmediate future.
12:20pm - GUESS WHO'S GOING TO FUCKING COLLEGE !!!! I'm lowkey really excited for this because I'll be studying theatre AKA something of my own choosing, AKA something I actually have an interest in which is really cool I think. Also last night I bought a Rose plant that I currently have with me in my bedroom and this morning I pulled back these thick ass curtains that I have in my bedroom so they could get some sunlight and then not long after I suddenly had a bit more energy to actually get out of bed which was weird but in a good way. Theres a possibility that I am lacking in Vitamin D right now which isn't really good tbh, but I cant help but feel upset towards my parents AGAIN cause they're the ones that put these in the room in the first place and I cant take it down cause it's actually NAILED above the window. I never liked these curtains but I cant get rid of them at the moment.
12:31pm - I feel so dumb lowkey because I just figured out that special interests and hyperfixations can overlap more than I thought, like I legit would start to panic when I'd stop hyperfixating on something I liked like ALOT and I mean ALOT but then I'd be confused as to why I would still be like so attached to it like I am with Sonic, like while I'm not hyperfixated on Sonic at the moment I still like to dunk my head into it if that makes sense, like I have sonic bedsheets and plushies for crying out loud. The only reason they're not on my bed at the moment is cause when I have something on my bed other shit ends up on my bed and it takes me like FOREVER to get rid of it. I think this happened cause when I was reading about them for the first time I took what people said about how long they last etc etc at face value which makes sense because I'm fucking autistic lmao, I also think I was viewing them separately instead of together which I should because I am Auhd and not just autism, but hey I wasn't expected to harold my big brain around the world like that I guess, but because I just had that realization that means I need to fix my about me page because my current SPECIAL INTERESTS are horror which has been there since like forever and Sonic which has also been there for like forever and like Monster High, and I am currently hyperfixated on Welcome Home and 3below. I need to do more sorting through my brain right now because I am trying to figure this ALL OUT ON MY OWN because while my mom admits that she's pretty sure I have autism she is very against me getting diagnosed which is like whatever, but I don't know where to turn to or exactly what to research half the time because some things are just like normal to me that I dont actually think about it, like I just fully realized that Im touch adverse while I was dancing with the peer I'm mentoring at theatre rehearsal. All I know is God help me cause I am struggling right now.
01:38AM - okay so bad news I feel like crying right now, I just found out the guy that I'm into right now has gotten back into contact with his Ex recently and has admitted to me that he has been contacting this person for the past 3 days, and honestly I feel some anger within me but it's not towards him, all I feel for him right now is sadness over how he has had his heart manipulated and broken by another, being told that he wasn't enough and probably other harsh things makes me sad for him, the other part of my sadness is towards me because I struggle forming genuine connections with people, figuring out that I was autistic was everything to me because suddenly I had a name to what was going on with me and now I'm scared that because of it I'll be told I'm not enough too. I am currently crying buddy holly by weezer (if I had nickle everytime this happened I would have two damn it) and trying to make sure this passage even makes fucking sense. GOOD NEWS THOUGH I found a squishmallow on the road this afternoon while out with my uncle and I washed and spot cleaned her and now I have a buddy to squish while I fucking cry like the loser I am. :']
I feel like a ticking time bomb right now, I've been sharing my bedroom with my older brother since I've left the crib so for the past 17 or so years I've been sleeping in the same with him and I genuinely cannot take it anymore and I feel my mental declining the longer I stay living with him and my mother. I can't help but think about the unaddressed trauma they and other members of my family has caused me, and whenever I try to bring those moments up I get shamed and treated as the bad guy for not letting things go, for holding grudges, when these situations make me contemplate on killing myself, but I dont want to die, I really don't to die I want to live so badly it hurts but it feels like everyday I'm being drowned by those who said that they love me. But their stupid love is conditional and is mixed in with hatred and I know that they'll probably never take responsibility for what they did to me, and I know even if they did there's nothing they can do to fix it. I used to make excuses for my brother all the time saying he's autistic he doesnt know any better, but realizing that I have been autistic this entire fucking time and everybody just looked other way disgusts me, that I'm also autistic but I wouldnt do the same things he did to me to him. I don't think any place left in me to forgive and I hope I can leave before this destroys me.
I'm like listening to the exit by conan gray and I can't help but keep making an edit/animatic to it in my head about Trollhunters/Tales of Arcadia specifically about Jim and it's like giving me like massive brainrot rn. I wanna just squish these characters in the palm of my hand and make them join my brain juice or something idk how to describe it because it gives me so much joy, but also incapitates me at the same time, like all I can think about how I could relate this a character from the series and its lowkey drowning me rn. That reminds me of how I still havent sent in my headshot and bio for this musical I am volunteering in even though it's due tmmrw and I think its because of the bio specfically. I still haven't had the courage to tell them what name I actually use and want to be called by and because of that Im scared to describe myself because I am essentially describing a person who is not me by using my dead name, a person who does not exist. I want to find the courage to do this but its so hard, especially due to me living in Florida it feels like there's too much going on right now.
